Allyson and Ryan Williams. (Photo: www.alwayschooselove.net)
Always choose love.
Those are the three profound words rooted deep in the hearts of two local parents after they experienced what is every parent’s fear, the loss of a child.
Theodore Rutherford Williams was born on December 9, 2015 to his eagerly awaiting parents Allyson and Ryan Williams.
Months before his birth, doctors informed the well-known Belleville couple that their third son, their dear little Theo had a congenital heart defect and wouldn’t survive out of the womb. Devastated but remaining hopeful the Williams prepared themselves the only way they knew how – to love and cherish him. A short 22 minutes after Theodore’s birth, he died from heart failure forcing Allyson and Ryan to say goodbye to their baby boy.
One in 100 babies born in Canada have congenital heart defects and those who survive most often require extensive surgery. Approximately 1 in 16 couples will experience infertility.
One in four women has an early pregnancy miscarriage. In six of 1000 births a baby is born still. Seven in 1000 children will pass under five years.
Determined to keep Theodore’s memory alive, the proud stay-at-home-mom took to writing about her family’s journey in her blog, “Always Choose Love – Love Notes To Theodore.”
“Not being angry is one of the many gifts you gave me,” Allyson wrote. “My heart longs for you in unimaginable ways. My heart doesn’t want to allow anger to take up space where love and compassion belong.”
On Wednesday, Allyson and Ryan, the vice president of Williams Hotels sat down with Lorne Brooker on 800AM CJBQ’s ‘The Lorne Brooker Show’ sharing not only their story of loss but of healing.
Wanting nothing more than to experience the joys of parenthood the Williams said they tried for three years to conceive a child. Turning to in vitro fertilization (a complex series of procedures used to treat fertility or genetic problems and assist with the conception of a child) the couple was finally blessed with their first born son Jack. A short time later their family blossomed again with the arrival of their second son Patrick.
Graced with two bouncing young boys, Allyson said she and Ryan would often talk about their second embryo, “Jeddy” (a combination of the names Teddy, for a boy and Julia, for a girl). Their child that they always promised they would go back for.
It was on their way to the airport for a holiday in Hawaii that they would get a phone call from their midwife telling them that the results of Theodore’s 20 week scan showed he had serious heart problems but he would survive in the womb and extensive surgery after his birth might be an option in saving his life.
When the couple returned home they drove to Kingston to have a fetal echocardiogram (similar to an ultrasound, this exam allows a doctor to better see the structure and function of an unborn child’s heart) where a cardiologist suggested they terminate the pregnancy because Theodore wouldn’t survive – something both Allyson and Ryan said wasn’t an option for them.
Allyson holds Theodore during her pregnancy.
At 30 weeks, they were told Theodore was in heart failure and they only had minutes to hours left with him. Theodore beat those odds and lived for 10 more days. 10 whole days that Allyson considered a blessing because they helped her come to grips with the fact that ‘the end was very near.’
Allyson explained one of the highlights of Theodore’s legacy that has hit home for her is as parents ‘we don’t have control over what our children’s journey may be and what that’s going to look like.’
“I don’t have the power no matter how hard I envision a life for him, it will be what it is going to be and that’s the exact same thing for my other two sons,” she said.
Surpassing expectations, on a Wednesday morning, surrounded by his family at Belleville General Hospital, Theodore was born at 11:22 a.m. with a heart beat.
“That little boy really really wanted us to have our greatest desire which was to have some time with him,” said Allyson.
“The end was very hard especially as a father but it was incredible at how it was handled,” said Ryan. “We both got to hold him and we baptized him.”
Now a traveling family of four, Allyson says she has two children she gets to share her life with and one that is forever in their hearts.
She describes the journey as the ocean.
“At the very beginning you have this calm ocean and it’s all grief and it’s all heavy,” she explained. “People don’t realize that when you deliver a baby and you can’t take it home your arms physically ache for that baby. Your body is screaming for that baby back. That grief is so heavy that you very rarely get a little wave of peace.”
Now six months later, Allyson said those waves of peace that come are getting longer. She can ride them out longer and no longer feels guilty when they come.
“I welcome them when they come because at one point in time I would feel guilty and I would think oh my God how can I feel so at peace right now when my nothing in my life is right,” she admitted. “The truth of it is you’re supposed to feel at peace and it’s okay to feel joy, it’s okay to continue living your life. But I will never forget thinking about him. There will never be a birthday that goes by that I won’t acknowledge. My boys will always know about Theodore.”
She attributed counselling, a strong relationship with Ryan and supportive family and friends as being monumental in the recovery process.
Ryan commended his wife for her strength throughout it all.
“Anytime anyone mentions Theodore’s name it makes my heart sing,” Allyson beamed. Anytime someone can say ‘I read something that you wrote and it has helped, means his (Theodore’s) purpose lives on. He mattered and he still matters. He’s been able to have that ripple effect of spreading love to other people. If he has allowed somebody to choose love once, then it was worth it.”
If you or someone you know has experienced the loss of a child or someone close to you and need to reach out, you can call the PAIL Network’s Peer Led Support Programs for parents at 1-888-301-7276 http://pailnetwork.ca/parents/ or contact The Canadian Mental Health Association at (613) 969-8874.
To listen to the entire interview on 800AM CJBQ The Lorne Brooker Show click the links below.
Part 1 – Allyson and Ryan Williams Part 1
Part 2 – Allyson & Ryan Williams Part 2
